About Dani Alexis

Dani Alexis is a freelance writer with a decade of experience and a passion for creating new things. As Verity Reynolds, Dani is the author of the Non-Compliant Space series. Buy her a coffee: ko-fi.com/verityreynolds

The “Tea Party” Is Back, But It’s Not On the Side You Think

This meme sparked a huge fight on my spouse’s Facebook page yesterday:


“But that’s DIFFERENT!” cried several commenters. “The Boston Tea Party participants were going after the actual source of the oppression, not looting some random Target store!”

I’m over how badly U.S. schools teach our own history, but I’m not over writing long-winded educational articles about it.

The Minneapolis protests and the Boston Tea Party have a great deal in common – but today’s “Tea Partiers” are almost certainly not on the side Hancock and Adams occupied in 1773.

Here’s what to know so you don’t pants yourself refuting Boston Tea Party/Minneapolis protest comparisons.

tea party

Both the goods destroyed in the Boston Tea Party and those destroyed in the Minneapolis Target ransacking belonged to a private corporation.

One of the first arguments I encountered in response to this meme was that the Boston Tea Partiers were “addressing the source of the problem,” whereas the Minneapolis protestors were taking their frustration out on an “innocent” business.

During the protests sparked by the police-perpetrated homicide* of George Floyd, a Target store in Minneapolis was looted. The photos appear to show damage both to store fixtures and possibly to the structure itself from flooding, which may have been caused when the sprinkler system deployed.

Critics are correct that Target’s inventory inside this store doesn’t belong to the federal government or to the state of Minneapolis. They are wrong, however, in their implication that the tea destroyed in Boston in 1773 belonged to the British government.

Rather, the tea belonged to the British East India Company, a private corporation – one that eventually controlled half of the world’s trade in various goods.

Throwing the East India Company’s tea into Boston Harbor did not “address the source of the problem” any more than carrying off baby strollers and milk from the Target in Minneapolis “addressed the source of the problem.”

…Or did it?

Both Target and the East India Company are/were involved in politics.

Both the East India Company and Target are private companies, not government entities. “Private company,” however, shouldn’t be taken to imply that either company has (or had) no connection to their respective governments.

Corporations don’t exist by fiat. Rather, they are chartered by a state or federal government, which recognizes them as a legal entity distinct from their leaders’ identities and grants them the right to behave as such.

Like many businesses before and since, both the East India Company and Target exist(ed) as corporations by the grace of their respective governments. The East India Company was chartered by the Crown in 1600; Target was incorporated in Minnesota in 1902 (as “Dayton’s Dry Goods”).

And both the East India Company and Target involve(d) themselves in the politics of their respective chartering entities.

In a speech given to the House of Commons in 1833, Lord Macaulay explained that “the Company’s commercial and political functions have always been intermingled.” Chartered by the Crown to serve the interests of the Crown, the East India Company didn’t hesitate to call upon the Crown when it needed money, supplies, or military and police protection it could not provide itself.

The company did precisely that in 1773, when it called upon Britain to close Boston Harbor and send additional troops to protect its interests in the colonies.

Likewise, Target has contributed to a number of police-related projects in Minneapolis over the years. For example, Target’s $300,000 donation to the city’s police department allowed the MPD to launch a surveillance camera setup in downtown Minneapolis.

Both entities are private companies, not official government bodies. But both also contributed significantly to “the source of the problem”: British tea taxes on one hand, police brutality on the other.

Both events happened after years of more peaceful attempts to resolve the issues went unheeded.

In every conversation I’ve had about George Floyd’s death, the words “Why can’t they protest peacefully?!” make an appearance.

The short answer is they have. For over eight years. And not only have police killings failed to decrease significantly, in some of those intervening years, they actually went up.

The death toll is disproportionately borne by people of color, and among people of color it is disproportionately borne by black people. Black men are more than twice as likely as white men to be killed by police. And people of every race killed by police tend to be quite young – wasting, on average, 50 years of life per victim.

Since at least 2012, protestors have been peacefully demanding that their government address a problem that repeats itself again and again – the problem of government law enforcement officers committing homicide against black people, out of all proportion to black people’s actual numbers in society, and getting away with it.

The Boston Tea Party wasn’t a one-off property-damage spree, either. It followed years of protests against a problem that repeated itself over and over – the problem of the British government imposing onerous legal obligations on American colonists, out of all proportion to those colonists’ actual numbers in society. (Many of the protested obligations were taxes, but not all of them – the Quartering Act of 1765, for example, forced colonists to provide room and board to British soldiers.)

In both cases, peaceful means of getting government leaders to change an oppressive situation were not working. Neither had previous less-peaceful protests – Minneapolis was preceded by Ferguson, for instance, while the Boston Tea Party was preceded by the HMS Romney incident and the Battle of Alamance.

Every set of frustrations has a tipping point. In Minneapolis, that tipping point was a white police officer kneeling on a black man for nearly nine minutes, while three other white police officers watched and did nothing, until that black man died.

In both events, some participants had mixed motives.

There is a counter-meme going around, in the format of the one above, that includes this passage from the Boston Tea Party Museum website:

Besides the destruction of the tea, historical accounts record no damage was done to any of the three ships, the crew or any other items onboard the ships except for one broken padlock. The padlock was the personal property of one of the ships’ captains and was promptly replaced the next day by the Patriots. Great care was taken by the Sons of Liberty to avoid the destruction of personal property – save for the cargo of British East India Company tea.

The counter-meme seeks to draw a distinction between Minneapolis and the Boston Tea Party, by implicitly condemning the damage done to the Minneapolis Target store and other businesses. The implication is that if the Minneapolis protestors were “legitimate” freedom fighters, they’d have destroyed the contents of that Target store, then tidied the building before they left it. Instead, the argument implies, the protestors enriched themselves by stealing the goods for their personal use – which makes their protest suspect, if not outright invalid.

The parallel does break down here. While Target owns its store buildings as well as the goods inside them, the East India Company did not own the ships that were boarded. The Dartmouth, the Eleanor and the Beaver were actually built in the colonies and owned by colonists. The Boston Tea Partiers thus had an incentive to treat the ships well that those involved in the Minneapolis Target looting did not.

But even if the Boston Tea Party participants took excellent care of the ships (while destroying their cargo), their motives weren’t entirely pure either. Both John Hancock (who signed the Declaration of Independence) and Samuel Adams (the guy on the beer) had well-organized tea-smuggling outfits that were directly threatened by the enactment of the Tea Act. They directly, personally benefited from destroying a large shipment of East India Company tea.

Maybe no one carried any tea off those ships, but at least a few of the participants got richer for destroying it.

A modern-day parallel would be Wal-Mart organizing the looting of the Minneapolis Target store. Yet that store’s destruction wasn’t organized by people seeking to protect their own monetary interests. It was looted by people who are fed up with seeing police officers kill black people with impunity.

Two more things worth remembering….

One: Looting, vandalism, breaking and entering, and the like are property crimes. They are, by definition, not “violent crimes.” Kneeling on someone till they suffocate is.

Two: Protestors destroyed the Minneapolis Target store because people continue to die at the hands of police. Protestors destroyed the East India Company’s tea shipment because the Crown had given the East India Company a tax break that undercut the protestors’ tea-smuggling business.

The strongest argument against comparing the Minneapolis Target looting to the Boston Tea Party is that the Minneapolis protests are about protecting lives, while the Boston Tea Party was only about protecting (illegal) financial interests.

I still think the looting was wrong!

That’s your prerogative. Keep in mind, however, that if you want property destruction to stop in this instance, the best way to do that is to fight for the changes required to stop police from killing any more people – black or otherwise – in their custody. 

These protests would not be happening if police weren’t killing black people in their custody, at a rate far higher than they kill anyone else in their custody, and experiencing no consequences for that death.

End the killings, and you end the protests. You may not control that entire solution – but you can control the role you play in reaching it.

*As of press date, we still don’t know if the charge or conviction – if any – will be murder or manslaughter. “Homicide” covers both while still indicating the death was intolerable in a civilized society.

I’m donating all my writing royalties this quarter to bail funds for protestors. That includes contributions made via Ko-Fi. You can also share this post on social media.

Can Quarantine Boost Your Creativity?

One of the most frequent questions I see on Quora is how to be more creative, or how to have more ideas, or how authors and artists generate their ideas.

My stock advice has always been to get bored. My famous ten-step creative process begins with it.

I recommend it because it works for me. My brain-monkey absolutely cannot sit still for more than a few minutes before it starts screeching and flinging the stinky, sticky poop of boredom to fertilize my idea garden.

Quarantine is an Aegean stable of boredom. Boredom is stacked to the ceiling. You’d need two rivers to clear out all the boredom. If there were ever a time grow some first-class ideas from a pile of boredom manure, now is that time.

But just because I think something is a good idea – and even recommend it on Quora! – is no proof it’s actually a good idea. I can’t be trusted for advice on what to do in quarantine. I cut my own bangs last week.

So I did a little Googling. Here’s what to know about boredom and creativity.

quarantine creativity

The human brain needs boredom to function optimally.

Boredom may not feel pleasant, but it’s essential for proper brain function. Engaging with external stimuli, without a break, can result in cognitive overload, which has a negative effect on memory, mood, and executive function (the ability to plan, predict, and execute your own daily tasks), say Erin Walsh and David Walsh in an article for Psychology Today.

Many people think that creativity is their personal dump stat, only to surprise themselves with their ability to generate ideas under the right conditions. A lack of creativity may actually be a lack of available brain power – because it’s all being spent on staying busy.

You can be “productive” while you’re bored.

One of the reasons boredom has fallen by the wayside in so many lives is that, culturally, we in the US prize being busy. We’re skeptical of anyone who has the time to get bored. We associate happiness with productivity, so we strive to be productive, or at least occupied. Staying busy has even become an American status symbol, according to one study in the Journal of Consumer Research.

The drive to stay busy – whether for status, to make ends meet, to avoid dealing with other psychological issues, or as an end in itself – can become so overwhelming that it causes serious health problems. It can also be an extremely difficult habit to break.

Even if you’re not in a workaholic frame of mind, you may find it difficult to sit alone with your thoughts. If so, you’re not alone. In one 2014 study, researchers gave participants the choice of sitting alone with their thoughts for six to 15 minutes, or enduring a mild electric shock. Many of the participants chose the electric shock.

“Most people seem to prefer to be doing something rather than nothing, even if that something is negative,” the researchers wrote.

Fortunately, you don’t have to flip the switch from “constantly busy” to “doing nothing.”

In a 2014 study in the Creativity Research Journal, Sandi Mann and Rebekah Cadman asked participants to generate possible uses for a pair of plastic cups. Participants were divided into three groups. One group was simply asked to think about the cups question. The second group was first asked to copy numbers from the telephone book, then asked about the cups. The third group was asked to read the phone book, then asked about the cups.

The participants in the third group – reading the phone book – outperformed those in the second group, who in turn outperformed the first group. By experiencing boredom, the participants’ minds seemed to become more eager for a way out, generating ideas more readily as a result.

Undemanding tasks like taking a shower or going for a walk can help incubate more creative solutions to problems. These tasks can convince your inner critic that you’re “doing something productive,” allowing your mind to wander more freely and creatively.

You are doing something productive when you embrace idleness. Your brain may just take a little convincing.

Too much boredom, however, is a bad thing.

Some boredom – enough to give your brain the “elbow room” it needs to daydream – can boost creativity. Chronic, unrelieved boredom, however, is linked to a number of health problems, including depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, as well as to a propensity to crave high-fat, high-sugar foods. It may even be linked to an increased risk of premature death, particularly when combined with other factors like a sedentary lifestyle.

Often, this type of boredom isn’t linked to a lack of things to do, but the feeling that what needs to be done lacks meaning or purpose. Unlike the “approach” state boredom that engenders creative thinking, chronic boredom becomes an “avoidance” state that has a negative impact on innovation.

What boredom does for you might depend on who you are.

While many studies have found that boredom has a creativity-boosting effect generally, not everyone appears to respond in the same way to boredom.

In a 2019 study in the Academy of Management Discoveries, researchers Guihyun Park, Beng-Chong Lim and Hui Si Oh studied the effects of boredom in the workplace.

The researchers found that “boredom did not universally increase creativity for a product development task.” That is, not all the participants saw creativity-boosting benefits from being placed in a state of boredom.

Rather, the participants whose creativity benefited most from boredom all shared a set of common traits. They were more likely than their peers to have a high learning goal orientation, a high need for cognition, high openness to experience, and a high internal locus of control.

In other words, people may be more likely to find that boredom helps them generate ideas if they’re already active learners, curious about the world, and inclined to seek solutions within themselves.

Boredom isn’t the only emotional state that boosts creativity.

While some boredom can be productive, boredom isn’t the only emotional state that can help you generate ideas.

In a May 2014 study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers Karen Gasper and Brianna L. Middlewood found that when people felt either bored or elated, they produced more creative mental associations than when they were distressed or relaxed.

What’s interesting about these results is that both elation and boredom are classified as “approach” states, or states in which the person is ready to engage with something. By contrast, distress and relaxation are “avoidance” states, or states in which the person retreats from engagement. It appears that we’re more likely to think of something new when we’re already in the mood to engage.

If there seems to be no room in your head for anything except the concerns of the day, it may be time to take ten minutes and let your mind wander. If even the concerns of the day can’t seem to concern you, however, the problem may be too much boredom – or your brain telling you that you’re on the wrong path.

Interested? Buy me a coffee or share this post on social media.

The Stars Hate You, Vol. 1: Misfortune Stalks Me, Plus How Birth By C-Section Affects Your Horoscope

The Stars Hate You is an astrological advice column in which I never actually do astrology. Questions may be edited for grammar and to conceal personal information about the asker. Past installments may be found on the main page.

Misfortune Stalks Me

The Question: Can someone help me with my chart? I have been suffering since September 2017. Friends and relatives turned into enemies. I have no career and no respect. I am always depressed. [Date, time and place of birth]?

Your stars say you have developed the habit of blaming things, people or influences outside yourself for your misfortunes.

Sometimes those things did play a role in your situation and sometimes they didn’t. The problem is that when you blame something outside your own control, you give away the power you have to change the situation.

Your stars say you do have power to change your situation – probably more than you realize – but the less you exercise it, the more you feel you can’t. You probably haven’t been exercising that power for several years, which would explain why you now feel as if you don’t even have that power in the first place.

Try starting with small things, like choosing to stand up and stretch even when you’d ordinarily stay stuck to the couch, or asking yourself whether the snack you’re reaching for is the thing you really want in the moment.

These little decisions will help rekindle your latent ability to make bigger decisions, like whether to work on rebuilding a relationship or to make a career change. The stars indicate that while not every aspect of your relationships or career are within your control, your power lies is identifying the aspects that are in your control and focusing your efforts on them.

the stars hate you 1

How I Escaped My Mother

The Question: How does a C-section affect one’s birth chart or astrological sign?

It doesn’t.

Classical astrology holds that the influences of the planets and their positions in the zodiac don’t actually happen to your physical body. Rather, they are picked up by your soul as it descends through the “spheres” (the spherical orbits of the five planets known to antiquity, plus the moon and sun, as they orbit Earth). The spheres add influences particular to their sphere, which are further affected by whichever zodiac sign that planet appears to be hanging out in at the time of your birth, from the perspective of the place on Earth you are born.

Your star-influenced soul is then sucked into your body when you take your first breath.

(You can read about this process in detail here.)

So as long as you took a first breath, it doesn’t matter how you escaped your mother’s womb to do it.

Need advice? Drop a comment on this post or DM me via Twitter @danialexis.

Feeling appreciative? Buy me a coffee or share this post on social media.

The Stars Hate You, Vol. 0: In Which Debunking Astrology Makes Me a Trustworthy Astrologer

Like most Quorans, I get all kinds of weird answer requests. Some of them were obviously spammed to everyone who ever wrote on a particular topic. Others were obviously spammed to everyone, period.

A few days ago, I got this question [paraphrased]: “Why do scientists say astrology isn’t a science?”

I am, in fact, qualified to answer this question. I’ve been casting and interpreting horoscopes for decades. What baffled me is that I had not yet made that fact known to Quora.

So I answered:

the stars hate you 0

Why Isn’t Astrology a Science?

Because astrology is based on a model of the universe we know to be false.

Your birth chart is, essentially, a map of the universe with you at its center. On this map, there’s you, at a particular place and time on Earth, and then there are seven perfect circles: the orbits of the moon, the sun, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn. (Modern charts also contain Uranus, Neptune, Pluto and sometimes the major asteroids Ceres, Vesta and Chiron.) The map shows you where in the zodiac each of those planets appeared to be, relative to the place and time on Earth you occupied at the moment of your birth.

Birth charts are set up this way to reflect how astrology works, which is:

Your soul begins its journey in the “firmament,” or the space beyond the orbit of Saturn. (The ancients didn’t know other planets existed, so they don’t count.) To get into your body, your soul descends through the orbit or “sphere” of Saturn, Jupiter, Mars, Venus, Mercury, the moon, and the sun. On the way, it picks up traits related to the ruling planet of each sphere.

These traits are further influenced by which zodiac sign the planet looks like it’s hanging out in at the time, from the perspective of the time/place of your birth. Your soul then gets sucked into your body with your first breath, carrying all those traits it picked up from the spheres with it.

There’s just one problem.

We know that the Earth is not the center of the solar system.

Astrology depends on a geocentric model of the universe in which all the other celestial bodies move in circular orbits around the Earth. But we know they don’t. Rather, the moon revolves around the Earth, and both of them revolve, along with the planets, in elliptical orbits around the sun.

That our solar system is heliocentric isn’t news. We’ve known this for centuries. It’s not hypothetical, either: We have, based on our mathematical models of a heliocentric solar system, successfully launched rockets and satellites and even actual living humans off the planet and brought them back again. We are correct about the Earth revolving around the sun and not the other way round.

The solar system cannot be heliocentric and classical astrology be scientific. One of those two things has to fail “being science,” because they are based on fundamentally incompatible models of the universe.

Science “knows” things by examining whether the things it hypothesizes are observable, measurable and replicable. The heliocentric-ness of the solar system is one of those things.

Your personal affinity for your own horoscope, however, is not. We can observe whether you think it applies to you. We can attempt to measure how well it applies (maybe by polling all your friends to see if they agree you have the same traits your birth chart has). But we cannot replicate it – we can’t go back in time and birth you again. Nor can we set up a control version of you without that birth chart to see whether that you behaves differently than this you.

That said: Do not assume science is the only valid system of knowing things. Science is one system of knowing, with specific rules. We use it a lot because its rules offer a very effective way of knowing things about the physical world.

However, humans have developed many, many systems for knowing and understanding things. Astrology is another such system, with its own rules. Some people find the knowledge they get from astrology’s system of rules to be very useful, and that’s fine.

Astrology is a system of knowing. It is, however, not a scientific system of knowing.

Like so much of my Quora content, I posted this and then went on my merry way, not giving a second thought to its impact on the readership of that particular site.

Then things got weird.

I Start an Advice Column

Since posting this answer, I’ve received over a dozen oddly specific requests for Someone What Knows Their Astrology to look into the requester’s chart. These typically come with a description of the problem the questioner is having, plus their birth date, time and place.

(Note: Please don’t post that info publicly. Not everyone is as ethical or lazy as I am. A less ethical and more enterprising individual would have no trouble committing a little friendly identity theft.)

After about 23 minutes of consulting Twitter via poll, I decided not to wait the additional 23 hours and 37 minutes for the poll to end. Instead, I launched The Stars Hate You.

The Stars Hate You: A FAQ

The Stars Hate You is an advice column, in which I, an armchair astrologer with decades of experience and a very large personal library of books on esoterica (a few of which I have actually read!), respond to astrological queries. Only I’m not going to cast anyone’s chart.

“Um, okay. But why?” I hear you ask.

Because you (or someone like you) came for advice and I’mma give it. BUT:

  1. Casting and interpreting horoscopes is work – yes, even with software that does the math automatically. I blog for my own amusement, but like the selfish meat-based corporeal being I am, I like to eat food and sleep sheltered from the elements. (If you simply must have your actual horoscope interpreted, drop me a line and we’ll talk terms.)
  2. The best person to do that work is always the person for whom the horoscope is being cast. I insist on being paid to do other people’s horoscopes because it’s the only thing I’m guaranteed to get out of the transaction. Otherwise, I don’t benefit from interpreting the stars, your Tarot cards, your palm, or the pattern of Froot Loops in the bottom of your breakfast bowl. You benefit from interpreting those things.

Will you teach me how to interpret my own chart? 

Sure. For money.

Isn’t there some kind of prohibition on taking money in exchange for teaching magic?

One, astrology isn’t magic – it’s a system, whose various purposes include “organizing all the random crap that makes up our lives,” “understanding how everything is connected to everything else,” and “getting nowhere.” It can be used for magical purposes, but it is not, itself, magical (or rather, it is exactly as magical as everything else).

Two, I’m not the one who took that oath. You’re thinking of a certain English walnut fond of shaving his head and doing too much hashish.

What about the advice?

The advice is free.

Does that mean I’m getting what I pay for?

And then some! You also get my sparkling wit.

You’re not really that funny.

That’s not a question.

Doesn’t telling people you’re interpreting their “stars” when you’re actually just giving bog-standard advice make you TA?

Twitter reassures me that I am NTA here. Even if it didn’t, being TA is in the eye of the beholder. Or so your stars tell me.

So do you believe in astrology or don’t you?

That’s a blog post’s worth of question in itself.

Tl;dr: No, I don’t “believe in” astrology, any more than I “believe in” science. I apply each as a system of knowing in order to think more deeply about what’s in front of me. I choose among systems of knowing (including but not limited to astrology and science) depending on what it is I’m trying to think more deeply about and why.

Will you give me advice?

Sure! Drop a line in the comments below, or DM me on Twitter @danialexis. I do my best to maintain the anonymity of advice-seekers, but feel free to use pseudonyms, change the scene of crimes, etc.

(N.b. I do not give advice regarding actual crimes.)

Is there anything else I should know?

The Frogurt is also cursed.

You can get to every entry in The Stars Hate You by clicking the link on the navigation bar at the top of the blog (next to “Bad Carols”). New entries are published when I feel like it, or when someone actually asks for advice.

I try to give good advice, but I make no guarantees as to what might happen to you if you do or do not follow the advice given. You’re the one running your life – running my own is more than enough work for one lifetime.

Your stars say that tipping your armchair advice columnist is a courteous thing to do, especially if you found their advice useful. If tipping isn’t an option for you, the stars say that sharing your armchair advice columnist’s posts on social media is also acceptable. 

Predictive Text Predicts Florida Man’s Next Escapade

Ah, Florida Man. Whether it’s the result of Florida’s generous public records laws, the diverse population of the Sunshine State, or its staunch commitment to underfunding mental health treatment, the “Florida Man” meme is a…something…to behold.

One of the best parts of Florida Man is that no one can predict his wacky antics. Except maybe…predictive text?

I compiled the first 20 Google News results for “Florida Man” on April 27, 2020 into a text bank and fed it to Botnik. Here’s what predictive text predicts Florida Man will get up to next.

predictive florida man

Florida Man Threatens Himself With Underage Loans

A Florida man tried to avoid work in the coronavirus pandemic but was caught by officers who discovered him with a duck. Reports said he confessed to putting a fake name on his Twitter.

Florida Man Accused of Slipping on Facebook Post

A Florida man claimed he owned several pink diarrheal tablets. Advocates of church cruelty said he was upset because the golfers were very rude.

Florida Man Arrested Tuesday on Suspicion of Marijuana Cruelty

A Florida man was arrested Tuesday after being accused of shooting his friend while smoking marijuana. After deputies responded to the threat, they drove off.

“It’s like medication isn’t even being called that,” claimed the sheriff. “Between you and me, anti-sales messages are worthless.”

Florida Man Wanted on Charges of Violating His Car

A Florida man who allegedly discovered his cat in a blue Chevrolet has been identified as a 22-year-old victim of spite. Along with reckless driving, his charges include talking about this crazy stuff and dumping water onto his brother.

“Florida prisons are stressful for no legitimate reason,” said the man, when he was asked to explain his nightly medication. “That’s why I don’t go to jail without a fake license.” 

Florida Man Says He Can’t Really Afford a Gun

A 74-year-old Florida man says he bought 203 arrows, but that he couldn’t afford a firearm. He said he also has extensive criminal warrants for some unknown reason.

Warrants for his arrest included a church golf course, coronavirus news and eluding groups of teens. 

A police spokesman said he actually had no excuse for making dinner donations without a firearm.

Florida Man Asked Stranger for 20 55-Gallon Plastic Drums Filled With Drugs

A Florida man asked a stranger about trying laxatives Monday, according to emails forward to Buzzfeed by the beach president. 

“He shocked himself,” said a lady. “To his brother, he was just a bad person, but he was also my wife.” 

An address led to a small bridge outside Miami, where Florida police identified the man as a suspicious person. 

Florida Man Summoned His Inner Florida Man

In a mad rush of spite, a Florida man summoned his inner Florida Man Saturday when he mistook someone walking into a house for a church pandemic group. 

“I linked to help on the sand plane as well as I could,” said the man, a 70-year-old postal abbreviation. “And if you like living, you’ll ask another person for assistance.” 

Police are investigating whether this news report is prohibited in Florida. 

Florida Man Tried Crazy Thing

A Florida man tried to apply for assistance but was charged with possession of yard signs Thursday night, according to Deputies with Drugs.

“Violating the law is a sociologist thing to do,” said the sheriff. “Because not enough people are asking for 9,000 dollars during the coronavirus pandemic.”

The man’s name was not disclosed because he is a sociologist.

Help me make better choices than Florida Man: buy me a coffee or share this nonsense on social media.


I Wonder What’s Inside Your Butthole, Pep Band Edition

If you haven’t seen Jolee Dunn sing her breakout tune, “I Wonder What’s Inside Your Butthole,” go click that link. You will not regret it.

If you have, you’ve probably already noticed that there are at least two different remixes and also a cover (all of which are in the thread attached to the above Twitter post).

I suck at remixes and covers, but I suck marginally less at arranging for pep band.

Here’s “I Wonder What’s Inside Your Butthole” for pep band. Don’t say I never did anything to further the majesty of Western art.

Band Students: You’re welcome.

Band Directors: I apologize.

pep band butthole


The History of May Day…Maybe

It’s time for another predictive-text history lesson.

Today: The history of May Day, as presented by Botnik‘s predictive-text keyboard after I fed it the top 20 Google search results for “history of May Day.”

predictive may day

The First International Holiday for Good Wine: A May Day Celebration

May Day was celebrated traditionally on three days in Revolutionary Russia. Over 500,000 years the holiday continued to inspire astonishing causes, like Maypole dancing and Maypole singing.

The First Celebration of Labor

In 1350, Detroit auto workers were exploited for their religious speeches. Rites performed throughout this period include the Gathering of Workers, Leaving Baskets Hanging, and Pretty Streamers and Ribbons Involving Police Fatalities. 

Beginning in 1959, May baskets were employed to celebrate insurance. Through struggle and conflict, unions endorsed severe fertility. 

Literally no one knows who threw the first Russian Revolution, organization of which was considered quaint by the standards of the proletariat.

Pope Adrian II raised a bomb into the water in summer 1915, adopting the 8-hour workday for all peoples.

The Pagan Origins of May Day

The manifestation of spring colors in May 1889 was the first celebration of the goddess of spring. Thousands of people danced around, which later came to be regarded as a national scandal.

How did the traditional of dancing continue when witches are reputed to fight class warfare even in Chicago? Conventional wisdom states class development finally experienced mimes.

In 1707, the final victory over the Time Cattle would end the Pagan practices of Light Origin and Revelry With Bonfires.

May Day and Labor

During the Industrial Revolution, May Day evolved downward. Class solidarity was not celebrated by the Puritans, who frowned on April 19 (Walpurgisnacht being more regularly exploited for its healing benefits). 

Connected to Saint Philip of the Capitalist System, class distinctions raised severe rioting resolutions in Chicago and Cleveland.

Officially, the workers’ demands indicated that anarchists were feeling needlessly well. That changed into popular secular efforts to improve human society, however, when Engels published The Communist Origins of the Maypolea book opposed by Morris dancers. 

Interweaving courtship and labor rights, immigrants jointly utilized power and energy to fight owners of the factories. They organized character plays also. Called “May Queen Guinevere’s Maying and Police Protest,” these clubs escalated into rock and other radical cultural movements. 

May Day Celebrations Around the World

Poland: Government workplaces across Poland close on May Day so that everyone can steal a kiss from a crofter. 

Cuba: In countries like Cuba, taking baskets filled with Christmas greenery from young children is normally not celebrated. 

India: Activities people used to do in India are still allowed today, like getting ready for winter and receiving May Day tales from friends. 

Germany: In Germany, activities related to agriculture and pipe making are still celebrated today. 

England: Traditionally, eggs died annually due to evil powers of capitalism. Within the working class, however, solidarity can steal the skin from young men first. 

The USA: Thousands of motorbikes attend the American Fighting Traditions Festival, fought for theatrical and political liberation. 

For more predictive-text history lessons, see Botnik’s pontification on Mother’s Day, Easter, or Thanksgiving. To support my efforts to turn these predictive-text posts into a book, buy me a coffee.