Predictive Text Predicts Florida Man’s Next Escapade

Ah, Florida Man. Whether it’s the result of Florida’s generous public records laws, the diverse population of the Sunshine State, or its staunch commitment to underfunding mental health treatment, the “Florida Man” meme is a…something…to behold.

One of the best parts of Florida Man is that no one can predict his wacky antics. Except maybe…predictive text?

I compiled the first 20 Google News results for “Florida Man” on April 27, 2020 into a text bank and fed it to Botnik. Here’s what predictive text predicts Florida Man will get up to next.

predictive florida man

Florida Man Threatens Himself With Underage Loans

A Florida man tried to avoid work in the coronavirus pandemic but was caught by officers who discovered him with a duck. Reports said he confessed to putting a fake name on his Twitter.

Florida Man Accused of Slipping on Facebook Post

A Florida man claimed he owned several pink diarrheal tablets. Advocates of church cruelty said he was upset because the golfers were very rude.

Florida Man Arrested Tuesday on Suspicion of Marijuana Cruelty

A Florida man was arrested Tuesday after being accused of shooting his friend while smoking marijuana. After deputies responded to the threat, they drove off.

“It’s like medication isn’t even being called that,” claimed the sheriff. “Between you and me, anti-sales messages are worthless.”

Florida Man Wanted on Charges of Violating His Car

A Florida man who allegedly discovered his cat in a blue Chevrolet has been identified as a 22-year-old victim of spite. Along with reckless driving, his charges include talking about this crazy stuff and dumping water onto his brother.

“Florida prisons are stressful for no legitimate reason,” said the man, when he was asked to explain his nightly medication. “That’s why I don’t go to jail without a fake license.” 

Florida Man Says He Can’t Really Afford a Gun

A 74-year-old Florida man says he bought 203 arrows, but that he couldn’t afford a firearm. He said he also has extensive criminal warrants for some unknown reason.

Warrants for his arrest included a church golf course, coronavirus news and eluding groups of teens. 

A police spokesman said he actually had no excuse for making dinner donations without a firearm.

Florida Man Asked Stranger for 20 55-Gallon Plastic Drums Filled With Drugs

A Florida man asked a stranger about trying laxatives Monday, according to emails forward to Buzzfeed by the beach president. 

“He shocked himself,” said a lady. “To his brother, he was just a bad person, but he was also my wife.” 

An address led to a small bridge outside Miami, where Florida police identified the man as a suspicious person. 

Florida Man Summoned His Inner Florida Man

In a mad rush of spite, a Florida man summoned his inner Florida Man Saturday when he mistook someone walking into a house for a church pandemic group. 

“I linked to help on the sand plane as well as I could,” said the man, a 70-year-old postal abbreviation. “And if you like living, you’ll ask another person for assistance.” 

Police are investigating whether this news report is prohibited in Florida. 

Florida Man Tried Crazy Thing

A Florida man tried to apply for assistance but was charged with possession of yard signs Thursday night, according to Deputies with Drugs.

“Violating the law is a sociologist thing to do,” said the sheriff. “Because not enough people are asking for 9,000 dollars during the coronavirus pandemic.”

The man’s name was not disclosed because he is a sociologist.


Help me make better choices than Florida Man: buy me a coffee or share this nonsense on social media.

 

I Wonder What’s Inside Your Butthole, Pep Band Edition

If you haven’t seen Jolee Dunn sing her breakout tune, “I Wonder What’s Inside Your Butthole,” go click that link. You will not regret it.

If you have, you’ve probably already noticed that there are at least two different remixes and also a cover (all of which are in the thread attached to the above Twitter post).

I suck at remixes and covers, but I suck marginally less at arranging for pep band.

Here’s “I Wonder What’s Inside Your Butthole” for pep band. Don’t say I never did anything to further the majesty of Western art.

Band Students: You’re welcome.

Band Directors: I apologize.

pep band butthole

 

The History of May Day…Maybe

It’s time for another predictive-text history lesson.

Today: The history of May Day, as presented by Botnik‘s predictive-text keyboard after I fed it the top 20 Google search results for “history of May Day.”

predictive may day

The First International Holiday for Good Wine: A May Day Celebration

May Day was celebrated traditionally on three days in Revolutionary Russia. Over 500,000 years the holiday continued to inspire astonishing causes, like Maypole dancing and Maypole singing.

The First Celebration of Labor

In 1350, Detroit auto workers were exploited for their religious speeches. Rites performed throughout this period include the Gathering of Workers, Leaving Baskets Hanging, and Pretty Streamers and Ribbons Involving Police Fatalities. 

Beginning in 1959, May baskets were employed to celebrate insurance. Through struggle and conflict, unions endorsed severe fertility. 

Literally no one knows who threw the first Russian Revolution, organization of which was considered quaint by the standards of the proletariat.

Pope Adrian II raised a bomb into the water in summer 1915, adopting the 8-hour workday for all peoples.

The Pagan Origins of May Day

The manifestation of spring colors in May 1889 was the first celebration of the goddess of spring. Thousands of people danced around, which later came to be regarded as a national scandal.

How did the traditional of dancing continue when witches are reputed to fight class warfare even in Chicago? Conventional wisdom states class development finally experienced mimes.

In 1707, the final victory over the Time Cattle would end the Pagan practices of Light Origin and Revelry With Bonfires.

May Day and Labor

During the Industrial Revolution, May Day evolved downward. Class solidarity was not celebrated by the Puritans, who frowned on April 19 (Walpurgisnacht being more regularly exploited for its healing benefits). 

Connected to Saint Philip of the Capitalist System, class distinctions raised severe rioting resolutions in Chicago and Cleveland.

Officially, the workers’ demands indicated that anarchists were feeling needlessly well. That changed into popular secular efforts to improve human society, however, when Engels published The Communist Origins of the Maypolea book opposed by Morris dancers. 

Interweaving courtship and labor rights, immigrants jointly utilized power and energy to fight owners of the factories. They organized character plays also. Called “May Queen Guinevere’s Maying and Police Protest,” these clubs escalated into rock and other radical cultural movements. 

May Day Celebrations Around the World

Poland: Government workplaces across Poland close on May Day so that everyone can steal a kiss from a crofter. 

Cuba: In countries like Cuba, taking baskets filled with Christmas greenery from young children is normally not celebrated. 

India: Activities people used to do in India are still allowed today, like getting ready for winter and receiving May Day tales from friends. 

Germany: In Germany, activities related to agriculture and pipe making are still celebrated today. 

England: Traditionally, eggs died annually due to evil powers of capitalism. Within the working class, however, solidarity can steal the skin from young men first. 

The USA: Thousands of motorbikes attend the American Fighting Traditions Festival, fought for theatrical and political liberation. 


For more predictive-text history lessons, see Botnik’s pontification on Mother’s Day, Easter, or Thanksgiving. To support my efforts to turn these predictive-text posts into a book, buy me a coffee.

The Stars Are You: Predictive-Text Horoscopes

I have spent the last week with what might be COVID-19.

I say “might be” because although my spouse (who also had a fever, coughing, shortness of breath and chills) was tested 10 days ago, we still do not have test results.

I’m not quite back up to speed after a week of Schrodinger’s Coronavirus, which means more predictive text instead of me actually doing research or giving advice.

I uploaded the top 20 Google search results for “weekly horoscopes” into Botnik. Here’s the median horoscope for each sun sign for the week of April 13, 2020.

predictive horoscopes

Aries

You’re experiencing motivation to get lost in power. You might suddenly increase productivity if you don’t volunteer for anything.

Important decisions are working against your sense of humor. Avoid decorations.

Taurus

You’ve always wanted to indulge your feelings about discrimination, but others will appreciate it if you don’t. Allow yourself to think of your money today, because you will enjoy it.

All your options are more emotional than kids. Go online via Skype to feel sexy.

Gemini

This week begins as a major personal evolution finds everyone but you. Your job is not rationally possible: It doesn’t respect sexting.

If you don’t allow the stars to take over your life, you may not get lucky. Try channeling yoga.

Cancer

This time, feeling heard is possible – it just isn’t enough. People who dwell on social distancing and make financial decisions become anxious.

Your relationship with Friday night is impossible. Thousands of hot people are telling you to cut it out.

Leo

Fiery Mars tussles with wayward Uranus. That’s because today you’re single.

Karma powers your work today, always up for a little extra action. That life you need is basically too much.

Virgo

Virgo, this weekend finds you sending people your life advice again. Just once, could you stop?

Subjecting yourself to others is going to require your creative fantasies to stay hidden. That’s because you can’t be honest about your ambitions without a good reason – like the bleak future that waits for you.

Libra

September is not, rationally, a thing anymore. Soon you may find that this is all you have.

No desire for someone will be more emotional than your love for diplomacy. As corny as it sounds, just because you’re adaptable to karma doesn’t mean you can make anything happen.

Scorpio

Life might feel frightening, because your partner is basically guaranteed to push you into a major accident. Drop them,

Plenty of chances to explain yourself will follow you this weekend. Among people, you feel eager to connect, but don’t let that override your vision of the world.

Sagittarius

Strategic thinking, starting tonight, deepens your relationship with humor. Life is your forte.

A new job materializes and immediately destroys human courtesy. Renovations between yourself and others will benefit you less than you need.

Capricorn

Are you approaching your own work without feeling super chatty? During this period of self-adjustment, impossible problems will dramatically increase.

Your productivity is valuable but ultimately heavy. Choices you make should be wise, but you won’t.

Aquarius

Seldom have so many people told you, “Don’t pay for expert knowledge,” yet you instinctively put your money into spiralling products. Today could be significant.

Instead, become unavailable to your inbox. Brainwaves like this one could enable you to initiate important conversations with others.

Pisces

Today your chart requires you to undergo uncertainty about something that you should do. The more you feel protective of yourself, the less your energies will telescope.

Especially during Tuesday, text messages for yourself to your crush. Life is pretty high, and you don’t have many enjoyable months left.


I am not an astrologer and this is not advice. Please do not let a Markov chain inform your choices this week. 

Predictive Text Easter Crafts With Botnik (With BONUS Pictures of the Results)

Last year, I put the top 20 search results for “Easter” into Botnik, which regaled us in turn with this predictive-text history of Easter.

This year, I decided to try something a little different.

I fed the top 20 Google search results for “Easter crafts” to Botnik and generated the following predictive-text Easter crafts. Unlike previous predictive-text posts, however, I curated these to include only the crafts that used items I have in the house (seeing as we’re quarantined).

Then I followed the directions.

Please enjoy these Easter crafts brought to you by predictive text.

predictive easter crafts

Easter crafts are so simple to make and kids can help make them while you get a mom to help. DIY bunny ideas for Easter are endless as we think about Canada.

Busting with boredom? These adorable keepsake Easter fingerprints are so simple, they’ll make sure adults do crafts together. Give away fancy treats and glue your toddler to your family’s tablescape for an understated sophistication.

Easter Crafts For Gluing Eyes On

This craft activity fills Easter baskets with colorful puffy eggs. Try it with recycled eggs, featured on Facebook!

  • Glue your card stock and yellow pen to your hands.
  • Open both sides of the fingers and add three tablespoons.
  • Enjoy watching them!

Hop About Contact Lens Solution

Ideas are endless fun. Kids will totally think you’re super awesome when you fill this cute duck with boredom!

  • Paint a subtle floral stamp on a small box.
  • Attach twine to the front and wrap it around itself.
  • Fill the whole thing with salt.

Flower Pot Kids Kids

Easter holidays and googly eyes are all you need to make these delicious Easter treats for Mother.

  • Paint or plant two small animals in a flower pot.
  • Craft bunny ears from watercolor paint and add them to the top.
  • Always put tape on the best part of this batch.

Painted Egg Decorations

Make this entire craft while you stay at home.

  • Step 1: Draw lines along the flat side of two pieces of paper.
  • Roll rubber cement on the whole thing.
  • You don’t even need an egg!

Today’s Sanity Level: Bananaphone

Our winterguard state championships were scheduled for yesterday. They were, of course, cancelled.

In the spirit of getting together apart, we (the members and staff) decided to create our own winterguard shows. Since the staff do this professionally, we decided to do the most ridiculous ideas we could find.

(I hope. That’s what I did, anyway.)

Performing their 2021 show “Bananaphone,” Winter Guard International is proud to present….

bananaphone

Music

The name kind of gives it away:

“Bananaphone” will be a Regional A show, since it’s both (a) ridiculous and (b) not long enough to be used in any other caption.

Floor

Since no one gave me a budget, I’m getting custom everything for my brand-new guard performing silly work on multiple pieces of equipment. As we all know, high production values totally make WGI judges ignore bad technique!

(Note for non-winterguard readers: The above is sarcasm. Nothing makes WGI judges ignore cringey technique. Especially not in Regional A, the literal training class.)

Anyway, did you know that “banana phone” stock photography exists? It does! Here’s what I’m getting printed on our amazing custom bananaphone floor:

abstract-idea-colorful-banana-phone-600w-1062212057

Minus the watermark, of course. And we’ll need to expand the sides, since we’re getting a 60 by 90 floor to accommodate all 30 of the performers I will definitely have once word about this once in a lifetime show theme gets around.

Also, you can expect a sort of “confetti” effect over the whole thing, once all my brand-new guard members are done marking every single spot in their drill with their very own color of electrical tape.

Does this banana phone look kind of like a tampon to you?

I’m sure it’s fine.

Props/Sets

Props and set pieces are my nemesis. I never know what I want or what I want to do with it once I have it.

But every good budget-breaking show needs ridiculous quantities of unnecessary props, so I Googled “banana props.”

We are SO getting these banana couches:

03f19f34eab1480bff6307b32eb1530a

Also, WHY. WHY DOES THIS EXIST.

I don’t care, we’re getting ten:

inflatable-mobile-phone

What are we going to do with the giant inflatable bananas and phones? No idea! In my world, that’s what we call “the choreographer’s problem.”

Equipment

Props are great and all, but it’s not winterguard unless we’re spinning regulation equipment.

I really wanted banana-colored Arcs, but since I can’t remember whether Arcs count as equipment (I know Airblades don’t), I’ve decided to throw some rifle wraps on and call it good.

Rifles that actually look like bananas seem a little on the nose, so we’re going with these stock wraps from McCormick’s:

3500071-2

That leaves flags. Since nobody keeps a banana-print flag in stock (I know, I looked), I’m ordering custom flags with another stock photo image on them. Here are our ending feature flags:

Banana wallpaper (2)

And because I don’t want to hear any crap from the upstairs judges about why our floor is pink when nothing else is, the opening flags are going to alternate between the yellow and pink Genesis flags from Band Shoppe:

Uniforms

I expected costuming to take the longest of any of these. But then I was procrastinating on Facebook and I found this image from Beavercreek HS’s 2020 show:

91220821_10221784078567884_889178863018442752_o2926825436896288348.jpg

And I said, “THAT’S IT. THOSE ARE OUR UNIFORMS.”

Count Sheet

For the uninitiated: Every winterguard show starts with a count sheet. We listen through the music and conceive it in blocks of counts, which become the basis both of individual choreographic phrases and of the changes in staging, equipment, mood etc. from beginning to end.

Here’s my count sheet for Bananaphone:

Intro (16 cts): Entrance/dance thingy

Verse 1 and 2 (64 cts): Yellow flags (Group A), dance (Group B)

Verse 3 and Bridge (64 cts): Yellow flags (Group A), pink flags (Group B)

Instrumental (64 cts): Rifle & dance

Verse 4 (32 cts): Ending flag feature

Repeat & End: Mostly dance, some flags

Budget

I haven’t even tried to budget this. For a guard of thirty people, we’re probably looking at:

Large Custom Floor:   $2,000
Inflatable Nonsense:   $500
Rifle Wraps:                   $450
Stock Flags:                    $1,050
Custom Flags:                $1,050
Uniforms:                       $3,000

TOTAL:                              $8,050

Once we get done paying staff (because OF COURSE I’m going to pay well for the proper execution of this artistic vision), we’re well into the five figures, which is where I wanted to be. That trophy for “Most Overproduced Winterguard Show About Bananas” shall be mine!

….I’m being informed there is no such trophy.

Boo.


Both WGI and DCI 2020 aren’t happening, so if you wanted to help by buying me a coffee or sharing this post with your nerdy marching arts friends, I’d love that.

 

I Interviewed Three AIs for a Job and I’m Hiring All of Them

I do a lot of predictive-text creative pieces with Botnik, but it’s not the only AI-generated text option available – by a long shot.

For instance, check out Talk to Transformer, which generates text based on the massive GPT-2 dataset. Write With Transformer is also based on GPT-2, but acts more like predictive text: You ask it to autocomplete a phrase or sentence, and it generates suggestions.

I decided to compare Botnik, Talk to Transformer, and Write With Transformer head to head: I forced them all to interview for a made-up job as my personal assistant.

Botnik, of course, is at a disadvantage. No matter which keyboard I load, Botnik is interviewing on a much smaller dataset than the massive GPT-2. To give Botnik a fighting chance, I loaded the “Jeff Bezos quotes” keyboard. GPT-2 is still a larger dataset, but at least Botnik is now a billionaire.

Here’s how they did.

interviewtransformer

Me: Tell me about yourself.

Botnik: Datacenters would work on behalf of customers if we understood technology. Research is still worth emphasizing because it adds glue to our shareholders.

TTT: I have a game where I can make some really great single-player games for Linux with just Unity 3D. And to me, that’s most exciting. And the least exciting is checking other people’s games.

WWT: A: My name is David L. Miller. I’m a lawyer in Atlanta, Georgia . I started my law practice on August 2, 1987. My firm has been practicing law for 35 years, so that’s nearly 30 years of practicing law.

Me: Why do you want to be my personal assistant?

Botnik: For fulfillment. Innovation follows reality, and our failures are not hypothetical. Indeed, if you count our current results, we are incredibly amazed.

TTT: Because I can totally handle that! You’re gonna be Super Legal Department!

WWT: Oh, you’re really good at this stuff, aren’t you? I think I can teach you to do better. Can you help me with something? You know how to do that.

Me: Tell me about a time you failed.

Botnik: I would argue toward shorter decisions. Anytime you make something, hundreds of customers download hundreds of millions of questions to your business model. Decisions ultimately limited our approach.

TTT: It’s a tough one. I have to admit, I’m a bit of a character breaker. I wish I had a question.

WWT: You said you were never happy, and then you failed, and now you’re going to get it right. I know how much that means to you. But it’s also what makes you a failure.

Me: What would you do if you caught a co-worker stealing?

Botnik: Shouldn’t you eliminate the source of the problems? We never designed a business model to share.

TTT: Of course they would want to know.  Of course they would want to talk.  Of course, there would be talking.

WWT: You’d probably do the same thing as he did. If he was a thief, you’d ask him why he was stealing things and maybe even file a complaint.

Me: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Botnik: We expect to deliver substantial progress in customer service. We believe that focusing on insurmountable excellence implies impossible success.

TTT: Will they look even better? Will they be even stronger? Those are the questions most people wonder about right now in Washington, D.C.

WWT: I want to be a director for television and I’ve always liked movies. My dad said to me, “Do you think you can make an honest film like this with your money?” and I said, “Well, it’s just so fucking hard.”

Me: What’s one thing you can do better than anyone else in this job?

Botnik: Somewhere, they are growing families with a crisper display. That’s easy. Our job right now is to deliver functionality.

TTT: An alcoholic, who almost lost his freedom on the road.  In prison, spent twenty-three hours on his hands, 19 days in solitary confinement.

WWT: We have to be better in the way we talk to each other. This means talking to each other in a professional way and using the language that’s appropriate.

Me: What’s your biggest weakness?

Botnik: Satisfaction. They never claim that our fulfillment is more efficient. The first major goal for 1999 will be a bold decision to invest in smaller packaging.

TTT: Probably that I’m not a practical planner (which I am not). For some reason, I always make plans for a good day after work, but don’t follow through.

WWT: My biggest weakness is my tendency to think on my feet. As much as I try to avoid it, I have to admit it makes me uncomfortable. I just can’t do it every day.

Me: When can you start?

Botnik: Instantly. I can assure you that I’d even contemplate a significant bump in profit dollars through this channel.

TTT: Well, it’s October 16th, so I guess that’s a question for another blog post. Okay, who am I kidding? I never get a blog post finished on time.

WWT: What can I do to make sure my baby doesn’t feel alone? How can I be a good baby? Why do I get so upset when my baby cries? Most of these questions have a good answer, but the best ones are rarely given.


AIs don’t eat, but I do. Help me consume calories to live by buying me a coffee or sharing this post on social media.