To The Class of 2020: A Predictive-Text Commencement Speech

This is the first year since 1997 that I have not played “Pomp and Circumstance.”

I’m not sorry that I’m not playing “Pomp and Circumstance,” for a lot of reasons (not the least of which is that its lyrics are alarmingly imperialist). I am sorry that my not playing “Pomp and Circumstance” means that no one needed a clarinet ringer for graduation.

Because no one is holding a graduation. At least not the kind that has a live band.

To lift our spirits or whatever, I plugged the top 15 Google search results for “commencement address” into Botnik. The included commencement speakers are an illustrious bunch: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Brené Brown, Jim Carrey, LeBron James, Steve Jobs, Mindy Kaling, John F. Kennedy, Angela Merkel, Barack Obama, Gayatri Patnaik, Natalie Portman, Ben Sasse, David Foster Wallace, Oprah Winfrey, Mark Zuckerberg.

So whether your school is known to everyone or no one, here’s the median commencement address from among the top 15 most-Googled commencement addresses in the US.

tea party (1)

Minus teachers, can you use your mind?

That’s something worth living in. All of your hard work and health care is about to create a world where everybody has meaning.

Which of you remember exactly what you wanted from Harvard? Community? Peace? 25 years of severe telenovela addiction?

All those things are graduating today.

When I was a baby, the world was a shock to me. It always has been. I had take more classes than I should have. I had to think deeply about Houston. I had to admit I am earning $40,000 out of your own skin.

Here, today, even 12 year olds experience profound loss. Do not deny that. It’s what you don’t want that you’re going to remember most.

Successful female minorities show us not how to cope with people, but how to build communities in spite of people. With self-care receipts, we can pretty much do anything.

Stand up for once in your life. Journey down the path of purpose. Somewhere between nations and neighbors are graduating students who are going to change something. That’s why I’m so grateful to be here today.

The world will always require increased understanding between different types of wars. It will always have insane confidence. It will never have adequate justice.

Tips for your work:

First, film that. You know the one. Major, major bummer.

Second, energy is not exactly free, but it’s not impossible either. Ask for bartending tips.

Third, know that you are graduating into a world where you’re automatically absorbed by the Amish. Do not deny it. Your dream is really not even a thing.

Finally, obligations to family members and friends who love you will control your entire future, but you will hate how you become without them.

Before you die, you are going to get kicked out of college. Tuition receipts won’t help solve anything. But you can, because we’re technically children, and that’s great.

Society just sucks. Secondary schools are supposed to make meaning from experience but often don’t.

Don’t waste time screaming into Harvard – drop out. Your degree represents actual work. When you begin anew, you can harness that inexperience to make hundreds of people follow your social media.

Imagine these memories. Look at your hands. Get back up. Acknowledge your blood.

Thank you for joining us tonight, and congratulations to all you diplomas.


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Today’s Sanity Level: Bananaphone

Our winterguard state championships were scheduled for yesterday. They were, of course, cancelled.

In the spirit of getting together apart, we (the members and staff) decided to create our own winterguard shows. Since the staff do this professionally, we decided to do the most ridiculous ideas we could find.

(I hope. That’s what I did, anyway.)

Performing their 2021 show “Bananaphone,” Winter Guard International is proud to present….

bananaphone

Music

The name kind of gives it away:

“Bananaphone” will be a Regional A show, since it’s both (a) ridiculous and (b) not long enough to be used in any other caption.

Floor

Since no one gave me a budget, I’m getting custom everything for my brand-new guard performing silly work on multiple pieces of equipment. As we all know, high production values totally make WGI judges ignore bad technique!

(Note for non-winterguard readers: The above is sarcasm. Nothing makes WGI judges ignore cringey technique. Especially not in Regional A, the literal training class.)

Anyway, did you know that “banana phone” stock photography exists? It does! Here’s what I’m getting printed on our amazing custom bananaphone floor:

abstract-idea-colorful-banana-phone-600w-1062212057

Minus the watermark, of course. And we’ll need to expand the sides, since we’re getting a 60 by 90 floor to accommodate all 30 of the performers I will definitely have once word about this once in a lifetime show theme gets around.

Also, you can expect a sort of “confetti” effect over the whole thing, once all my brand-new guard members are done marking every single spot in their drill with their very own color of electrical tape.

Does this banana phone look kind of like a tampon to you?

I’m sure it’s fine.

Props/Sets

Props and set pieces are my nemesis. I never know what I want or what I want to do with it once I have it.

But every good budget-breaking show needs ridiculous quantities of unnecessary props, so I Googled “banana props.”

We are SO getting these banana couches:

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Also, WHY. WHY DOES THIS EXIST.

I don’t care, we’re getting ten:

inflatable-mobile-phone

What are we going to do with the giant inflatable bananas and phones? No idea! In my world, that’s what we call “the choreographer’s problem.”

Equipment

Props are great and all, but it’s not winterguard unless we’re spinning regulation equipment.

I really wanted banana-colored Arcs, but since I can’t remember whether Arcs count as equipment (I know Airblades don’t), I’ve decided to throw some rifle wraps on and call it good.

Rifles that actually look like bananas seem a little on the nose, so we’re going with these stock wraps from McCormick’s:

3500071-2

That leaves flags. Since nobody keeps a banana-print flag in stock (I know, I looked), I’m ordering custom flags with another stock photo image on them. Here are our ending feature flags:

Banana wallpaper (2)

And because I don’t want to hear any crap from the upstairs judges about why our floor is pink when nothing else is, the opening flags are going to alternate between the yellow and pink Genesis flags from Band Shoppe:

Uniforms

I expected costuming to take the longest of any of these. But then I was procrastinating on Facebook and I found this image from Beavercreek HS’s 2020 show:

91220821_10221784078567884_889178863018442752_o2926825436896288348.jpg

And I said, “THAT’S IT. THOSE ARE OUR UNIFORMS.”

Count Sheet

For the uninitiated: Every winterguard show starts with a count sheet. We listen through the music and conceive it in blocks of counts, which become the basis both of individual choreographic phrases and of the changes in staging, equipment, mood etc. from beginning to end.

Here’s my count sheet for Bananaphone:

Intro (16 cts): Entrance/dance thingy

Verse 1 and 2 (64 cts): Yellow flags (Group A), dance (Group B)

Verse 3 and Bridge (64 cts): Yellow flags (Group A), pink flags (Group B)

Instrumental (64 cts): Rifle & dance

Verse 4 (32 cts): Ending flag feature

Repeat & End: Mostly dance, some flags

Budget

I haven’t even tried to budget this. For a guard of thirty people, we’re probably looking at:

Large Custom Floor:   $2,000
Inflatable Nonsense:   $500
Rifle Wraps:                   $450
Stock Flags:                    $1,050
Custom Flags:                $1,050
Uniforms:                       $3,000

TOTAL:                              $8,050

Once we get done paying staff (because OF COURSE I’m going to pay well for the proper execution of this artistic vision), we’re well into the five figures, which is where I wanted to be. That trophy for “Most Overproduced Winterguard Show About Bananas” shall be mine!

….I’m being informed there is no such trophy.

Boo.


Both WGI and DCI 2020 aren’t happening, so if you wanted to help by buying me a coffee or sharing this post with your nerdy marching arts friends, I’d love that.

 

Aabie: A Text-Based Game for Entertaining Kids (and Adults) At a Distance

I teach, so I know how much work it is to keep kids both entertained and learning. It’s even harder during the COVID-19 era, where public health also demands we keep our space from one another.

I hesitate to set up face to face events, but I also feel for kids, especially my nieces and nephew. With schools closed in our state as of last Friday, I know they’ll be climbing the walls in short order, – if they aren’t already.

So I started thinking of ways to play with them without either of us having to leave home. And Aabie was born.

game

Aabie is a trivia game that can be played over text, messaging apps, social media or even email. It can be adapted for players of any age, though I recommend a minimum age of “has started spontaneously sharing interesting facts they know.”

Because it was inspired by my eldest niece, I also named it after her. Specifically, “Aabie” is named after her initials: AAB.

Here’s how to play.

You Will Need

  • At least two players
  • A means of messaging for each player: Smartphone, access to email, etc.
  • Internet connection (optional but recommended; see “challenges” below)

Taking Turns

A turn begins when one player gives another player a Topic. Topics can be just about anything, but do try to choose a Topic the second player is likely to know something about – at least at first. For instance, I might text my 11 year old niece the Topic “Butterflies.”

On hearing the Topic, the second player responds with three facts they know about it. For instance, my niece might reply with:

  1. Butterflies drink nectar from flowers.
  2. They grow from caterpillars.
  3. Butterflies love rock music.

The responding player gets one point for every fact they provide that is in fact a true fact.

The responding player then gets to announce a Topic to the first player. If more than two people are playing, set up a round-robin so that Player 2 then gives a Topic to Player 3 and so on.

Play continues indefinitely or until we can all return to our usual lives.

Challenges

If the first player (the one who provided the Topic) thinks one or more of the responding player’s “facts” are suspect, the first player can say “Challenge,” followed by the number of the challenged fact.

In this example, I might reply to my niece with “Challenge #3.”

To get the point for that fact, my niece will have to provide some evidence that the fact is true. For instance, she might send me a photo of a page from her science textbook, showing the results of a study on butterfly music preferences. She might send me a link to an article. And so on.

If the responding player can back up the challenged fact with evidence, they keep the point for that fact. If they can’t, the player who challenged them gets the point.

Disputes over the veracity of sources are settled by a discussion of what makes a trustworthy source in the particular Topic area. If the dispute cannot be settled, neither party gets the point.

Sample Rule Adaptations

Some options for adapting the rules in order to accommodate younger players, encourage further learning, and so on:

  • Allow research. Open up the list of available Topics and encourage curiosity by allowing players to research three facts about any topic they don’t already know three facts about. For instance, I would definitely allow research if I’d decided to ask my 11-year-old niece for three facts about the Federal Reserve.
  • Simplify points (or play without them). You can do one point per turn instead of one point per fact for easier scorekeeping. Or simply play without points.
  • Set a timer, or ignore time altogether. For synchronous play, requiring players to answer within a set time can raise the stakes. Or ignore time entirely, text out a Topic at 2 am and get a response a week later. It’s up to you and your opponent(s)!
  • Free for all. Instead of a round-robin setup with 3+ players, let anyone give anyone else a Topic at any time.
  • The “don’t be a d*ck” rule. Sure, it’s fun to nail your nerdy adult friends to the wall over typos like “martial” vs “marital,” but if you’re going to do that, make it clear that’s an element of the game from the start. Don’t do it to anyone who would ordinarily be in a K-12 classroom right now; the point of this game is to keep those players interested and learning new things, not to destroy their curiosity and joy. Don’t be a d*ck.

Feel free to adapt the rules as needed for whoever you’re playing this game with. Remember: the goal is to keep players interested, talking to one another, and having fun. If it’s not fun, it’s time to take a break.

Oh, and please wash your hands.


If Aabie helps you stave off cabin fever, feel free to buy me a coffee of thanks. And please share this post on social media!